Refreshing the Screen of my Life…

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Has your computer crashed and the only thing you could do was restart/refresh your screen? My life is at a point where the refresh is necessary for the development of a whole person. Multiple traumas throughout my life have created a journey that caused me to constantly reassess my reason/reasons for being. It has caused great discomfort with who I am as a person. Why it has caused me so much stress is beyond my understanding. I think there are people who never question why they are who they are and how they became that person…but I do (question myself) constantly. What makes a person so hyper-focused on how they affect the world around them and how people perceive them? This is a psychological mystery that keeps many psychologists employed! I believe the trauma we face and how resilient we are to the effects of that trauma are what shape us, and I believe grit is what gets us through the experiences…but what makes one person okay with the way they “are” and another person not so okay.

When the perception of others is negatively forced upon you, you react in a way that is contrary to your inborn idea of who you are and therefore makes you question the reality disparity. The difference gets to be so overwhelming that you don’t know what is the “real” reality. This sets up a constant battle in yourself that causes a self esteem crisis. I hope to create a new perception of my own “self” by getting the psychological help I need to retire the internally bully in me. I am guilty of bullying myself in a heartless and shameful way. I still haven’t determined if it is justified or not and therein lies the struggle…if I bullied anyone else in this manner then it would be dastardly, and unbecoming behavior. I would be ashamed of that behavior! So, why can’t I stop doing it to myself? I believe years of programming and listening to the narrative of others has me believing what they said, who they said I was, what was bad about me and why I was wrong to be who I am. Maybe…just maybe they were wrong! I hope to get to a place where I can not only stop the bullying, but maybe actually like “ME”…..one can hope.

This is the documentation of the journey of becoming whole.